Five ineffective responses to bullies:

1. Be assured that my imaginary friend, Prof. Pickles, will be hearing about this.
2. I trust you’re prepared to pay any medical deductible?
3. I have every confidence I’ll heal in time for band camp.
4. No. Actually, I pee myself when I’m feeling really confident.
5. Might my plaintive weeping soften your heart?

I’m gonna start doing that. Amusing.